Lessons From Training Livestock
Growing up on the farm, training horses, and later teaching animal behavior at a college university taught me something important. Animals that are anxious or afraid do not learn effectively. I have found the same is true with my children. When they are overwhelmed, fearful, or out of sorts, it is very hard to nourish their minds.
When I notice one of my children becoming overwhelmed, I implement regulation tactics. I provided a list of them below, along with strategic times to use them. A snack, some movement, a hug, or a short break often helps them settle. Every family finds their own ways to help a child return to a calm, ready state. Taking time for this is always worth it.
The goal is not perfect calm, that is rarely possible for a whole session. The goal is to keep extreme anxiety, exhaustion, or wild energy from taking over. In our home, we talk about being regulated (settled enough to learn) versus dysregulated (too unsettled to learn well).
I have seen real damage done to animals when both the trainer and the animal become dysregulated. I carry the same principle into our home environment. It is better to leave pages unfinished than to harm the connection between parent and child.
At the same time, a little healthy challenge helps us grow. Healthy stress can help build resilience in children, but frantic dysregulation should not be the norm. The best learning happens when a child is working through a mental challenge while still feeling mostly settled in their emotions/spirit. About 10–20% of the time, I gently push my child to practice staying regulated even when it is a little hard, and I stay close to model calm for them.
As long as I am regulated next to them, they can use my emotional stability as an anchor. We refer to this as co-regulation, and in my opinion, it may be the most important skill a parent can learn. When co-regulation is absent, education should no longer be the goal. Bringing everyone back to a regulated state is 1000 times more important than pushing the lesson for the day. I have had to learn to lay down perfection for connection in my educational journey.
For these reasons, keep sessions short and stop while your child is still enjoying the work. Some days they will settle into a good rhythm and fly through several pages, let them keep going. On harder days, lean into connection, comfort, or active play instead.
Connection Tools
